The Middle Ant

THE MIDDLE ANT
I stepped onto the path of a new beginning at the age of 16. I entered the ranks of the working population. Assisting customers as a cashier and stocking shelves at the neighborhood grocery store brought about a new era of expectation, accomplishment, and the main reason for working--money. I wanted to go to school. I was working and saving money in order to learn a vocation. The profession was cosmetology and the goal was to earn the license to work as a hairdresser.
Thirty years later, at the age of 46, I had experienced a career change, been married 27 years, raised three kids, and was back in school. But, this time it was to enhance my skills. The current trend of corporate downsizing had eliminated my position. Here I was again, new environment, new expectations, and looking for new accomplishments. I enjoyed the campus environment. Each passed test, finished semester, and making the dean's list gave me the sense of accomplishment.
One spring morning as I scurried down the sidewalk to my midmorning class; I looked down. What I saw would forever change the way I look at myself, who I am, and understanding my place in the spectrum of achievement. What caught my eye looked to be a weird bug crawling down the sidewalk.
The previous days' spring rain had saturated the ground. Earthworms had found their way out of the wet soil and on the sidewalk. Some were crawling, some were squished, and others looked as if they were trying to figure out where to go to be out of the sun. The warm sun had dried the squished worms. I was careful to watch where I placed my feet. I didn't want earthworm remains on the soles of my shoes.
As I edged closer to the creature I was taken back by what I witnessed. There were three ants strategically placed along the dried carcass of an earthworm, one on each end and in the middle. The two on the end would drag the carcass a few steps , stop ,and then wait for the middle ant to bring up the center. As soon as the middle ant caught up with the end ants, those on the end would pick up the ends move few steps, stop, and wait for the middle ant. I was watching the perfect picture of team work.
I walked to class pondering what I had seen. The sight of those three ants set off a wave of understanding in me that still leaves me in awe. Seeing the ants work together and the reason for the middle ant brought back the years of coping with low self esteem.
"Why do I feel like I'm always just a few steps behind, and then, when it seems I catch up, I'm alone again?" I'm not sure when I started to ask myself that question, but I don't remember not asking it or not dealing with the fact that nothing felt like it was good enough. According to my standards, my achievement was never up to par with those around me. When I did get to where I wanted to be, it felt as if I had to work twice as hard to catch up,again.
The low self esteem issues would reduce me to self loathing. Counseling helped, but the trying to perform and to be accepted always nagged me as an underlying current of self doubt. I was told I was codependent and the codependent person will try to please those who can't be pleased. "Why, because, it's no challenge to be accepted by those who do accept you."
I know how to encourage others to be who they are, take pride in what you achieve, and don't let any one or anything stand in the way of your destiny. But, when it came to me I tried to fit in a box I had in my mind. A box that kept me from reaching the potential that is in me and not understanding my place.
My place was to be in the middle and bring up the slack. I'm sure there are those who have been frustrated with me when they had to stop. They have to wait for me to catch up before they can move forward. I'm comfortable with the place that's considered the middle. It's a place where you have to stand alone It's a place where you rely on your strength that's within you and not in the acceptance of others.
Will I ever not have esteem issues? Could be, but I now know the issues keep me grounded, not full of self centeredness and willing to help those who feel as if they can’t measure up to the self imposed expectations.